John Wayne

The big dog. A real American hero. Marion Robert Morrison. John Wayne. Probably the most iconic American actor of all time. Hell, he represented the ol' red white and blue so well, that Ol' Joseph Stalin ordered his assassination. Luckily for the hundreds of assassins that were basically sent to certain doom, the order was rescinded by Nikita Khrushchev.

When he was born, astrologists and scientists studied him and determined that he would eventually grow to become the manliest man on earth, but the forces exerted by his pure masculinity could result in women being impregnated only by meeting his gaze. This would have catastrophic consequences. So they had to limit his ability from ever reaching his pure form by giving him a girl's name. "Marion" And this is why John Wayne has the same given name as my grandmother.

John Wayne stood anywhere between 6'4" and 9' tall, depending if he was slouching or if he'd accidentally doubled up his shoe lifts.

His fishing boat was a retired mine sweeper.

He could only be killed by an Atom Bomb.

He fell out of favor during the hippie-dippy late 60's but didn't give a damn. He understood why people were pissed off, he just couldn't figure out why they had to be so damn annoying about it.

One time John Wayne was staying in a hotel room in Las Vegas directly below a room where Frank Sinatra was staying. Well Frankie was partying down pretty hard and John normally wouldn't have minded but he had just gone about two weeks on a drinking spree and was really tired. So he walked over to the room and kindly asked Frankie if he'd like to be dangled out the window Sug' Knight style. Then he punched out one of Sinatra's bodyguards and laid him out cold, because old boy was giving him some kind of "You can't talk like that to Mr. Sinatra" shit, and the Duke here was all like "WHAT-EV-ER! I'm gonna talk him how-ever I want! And your music is too loud in here too! So here's some sweet chin music!" and WAM! Right in the kisser! And Frankie was all like "I'm so sorry our loud partyin' has been disturbing your rest, Mr. Wayne. Please forgive me, I don't want to dance your insane tango of death tonight." And the Duke was appeased and went back to his room. True story more or less.