An open letter to the world's super scientists

Where are all the giant...

Venus Flytraps. Alright, what is the deal with our scientists? This is the goddamn year 2009 and you're going to tell me that there there isn't anyone out there trying to selectively breed or gene splice these things into tree-sized man-killing plants? WTF! With all of the BILLIONS of people out there and all of the TRILLIONS of dollars being sunk into scientific studies, covering every conceivable lunatic notion, from here to Timbuktu, we don't have anyone.... ANYONE with the brains and the muscle to create a strain of these things that could trap oh... I don't know... a nosy reporter? A brash rescue team leader? No? Not even a dog or a small child? No!? Not even a kitten?... Folks, we can't even grow them big enough to eat kittens. Am I the only one slightly disenfranchised in our scientific community here?
Even with the Caligulian excesses available to some of these multibillionaires, apparently none of them are creative enough to waste it more creatively than on Thai ladyboys, and solid gold office-trapdoor levers. Shame on you, Mr.Gates! You disappoint me, Mr.Helu! Go back to swimming in your money bin, Buffet! What is the hell is the point of amassing all that dough if you aren't going to terrorize the world a little?

Let me assure our gentle reader, that if I had that kind of money, I would get the the think-tank working on those giant killer plants DAY ONE. After that, a weather controlling satellite, and maybe one of those mobile head quarters that crawls across the ocean floor on tremendous nuclear powered spider legs... Yeah... that would be SWWEE-EET.